Awesome Shark Moments.01

There is nothing cuter than a 15ft Great White Shark jumping out of the water!

Chuck Norris .01

The chief export of Chuck Norris is PAIN


Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and me. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.


When Dr. Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into The Hulk. When The Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris!

Star Wars Inspired Stuff.01

Shortly after his father's death, Luke Skywalker was a little short on cash (who'd've thought being the galaxy's saviour would render him so unemployable? But then I suppose so many people knew of his sister-kissing antics. Not to mention the crack habit he developed when he realised Han was getting all the hero sex and he was left with the horny, kinky Ewoks). 


On hearing that Lady Gaga was in town, performing one of her outlandish monster balls, he quickly set in motion a plan to sell Daddy Darth's kerrazay S&M outfit. We all know the shenanigans The Gaga gets into in her dress-up room, so he was onto a winner. After some decisive and desperate bargaining Gaga got Darth Vader's helmet (the one from his suit, though she would have reached a lot further into her change purse for the other helmet winking smiley face) and Luke got enough money to pay for a weekend at a semi-nice Motel with some recently rehabilitated Jabba slave girls.


She and her 300 strong stylist team got together for a weekend of fashion thinking and after 1000 Redbulls and a tonne of Laxative Chocolate, they decided to throw the helmet in the bin. That's when I came across it. I was de-worming some orphans on a barge, drifting lazily down some river near the equator and there was a glint off the water. I knew it wasn't the water as that was mostly gross. But this object kept catching the sun. After building a flotation device from the orphans that didn't survive (sad smiley face), I discovered the still pristine helmet of Darth Vader (happy smiley face) and after doing so, I did what any Star Wars fan would do...


I hitched a ride back to base camp on a three seater camel, covered the helmet in tiny reflective tiles or "mirrors" and threw the most awesome disco dancing disco ever!

The End

(please note: photo is not mine, helmet is not mine, mirror-ry tiles not mine, story not mine!)

My Top 9 Aliens

 1 -The Alien alien

The acid for blood xenomorph, that plagued Ripley to her death and subsequent refusal of motherhood to the matricidal weird-ass-alien-human-hybrid thing that got sucked out, from the inside-out, of their spaceship on their re-entry to earth after being genetically rebuilt for the forced, sorry, fourth instalment of the series, is just bloody well epic! It's changed, evolved if you will, along the way but it remains to this day the most terrifying son of a bitch EVER!

The iridescent John Hurt showing the world how to act everyone out of a room, including the chest burster!

2 - Spock (Whose surname is unpronounceable by the human tongue - get him right?!)

The Half-Human, Half-Vulcan Kick-Ass Machine of Awesome rocked his way through time and space making no apologies for his logical daily fist pumping advice. He is one of the Holy Trinity of Star Trek and can make even the sturdiest of folk go floppy all over with the touch of his Vulcan Nerve Pinch! Get in!

3- Superman/Kal El

The man of Steel! Nuff said really; 'cept maybe HE BE EFFING DEADLY! 

But seriously, whether you know the alien as Superman, Kal El, or Clark Kent (or Last Son Of Krypton, The Man of Tomorrow, First Citizen of Metropolis, Big Blue, The Metropolis Marvel, Gangbuster, The Big Blue Boy Scout, Superbaby, Superboy, General El, Commander El, Nightwing, The Ghost, Superman Red, Superman Blue, Nembo Kid, Action Ace etc. One assumes he has severe "Tax Problems") he is the hero of heroes. Flying to the rescue of whomsoever needs him, and he knows you need him because he can hear you. Like Santa, he has great hearing! Unlike Santa, he can shoot solar energy from his eyes, leap buildings in a single bound, have bullets bounce off of him, can see through things excluding lead but including your underwear! Basically he ticks all the boxes, but sadly he was in Superman 3 + 4 and they're reason enough to get anyone banned from the top two!

4 - Gordon Shumway 

A brown, adorable, fluffy alien from Melmeck nicknamed ALF by the family whose garage he crash landed in. He becomes a member of The Tanner family, acclimating himself to the cultures of earth, through 102 episodes. He also got animated in 1987. He likes to eat cats and is as cute as a button, a button with a deep soothing voice and hands with the ability to destroy you!

5 - Frank N Furter

Frank, the cross dressing, genius scientist from Transexual Transylvania, just wants a man to love. Or a woman to love. Or Meatloaf to love, for that matter. What I'm trying to say is, even aliens want love. Except for the Pod People. They just wanna replace the hell out of you!

6 - The Body Snatchers from Invasion of The Body Snatchers 1956's VSN

The Pod People have had many incarnations but Bob Siegle's is the ultimate! The sneaky space seeds drifted through space and time until they came upon earth ridding us of, well us! On the upside though emotions become a thing of the past and we know what pesky brats they can be!

7 - ET 

The little dude has a retractable kneck, a glowing finger and huge eyes that make Bambi look like a chump! 

8 - The Brood from The Uncanny X Men

Jeez these things frightened the innocence out of me so they did.

9 - Darkhelmet

Notable Mention - The Alien what Lazer Zapped The Valley Chicks in Nowhere! This chap was a pleasant aul fellow 'cept for the lazering that is, but sure the world could only be a better place sans Rose McGowan, Shannon Doherty and Traci Lords' characters, not them themselves obviously, sure it would be a sad day if them lassies were dead. And let us be honest the real reason I'm mentioning this alien is so I can Get Nathan Bexton's picture in my list! Boom! 

Nathan Bexton as the Heterochromia Iridumac Montgomery